skyreadhall: falgares

I�hate this day, along with all the other days in my life lately. What the fuck. I hate this. I just want to crawl up in a ball and die sometimes. I miss Andra so much. It is so hard to get through each day. Mr. Towne found out we are sharing a locker so I had to move my stuff out...(for now :-P). When�Andra comes back with her lock I�will put my stuff back in there if she isnapos;t mad at me for whatever she is going to be mad at me for.
I wrote a poem last night. It is four pages long. It is called "My Nightmare, My Reality". I like it. I will write it later like in seventh hour or something.
I am starting to study and look up the Wiccan Religion again.�It is an interesting religion. I might want to convert to it instead of Protestant. I�have 204 pages on Microsoft Word that I copied and pasted from a site. I didnapos;t realize it was so many pages until I started to print it all off and the pile kept getting bigger and bigger. I am lucky I didnapos;t get caought lol. I said I was printing off a psychology lesson.
Mom wonapos;t let me on the computer at home unless she is there.�That will be like never because when she is home she is always on the damn thing.
She read over some of my journal entries I posted. I hope she wasnapos;t offended by all of the older ones when�I was cutting and purging. My mind really gets fucked up when�I am in my old habits. I mean I am like a totally different person in my head. I�pretend to be the perfect little girl on the inside and I am just a mess on the inside.
The one thing that frustrates me when I am better is that I�cry. I donapos;t like to cry because it makes me feel so weak.�I hate being weak. Thatapos;s a bad sign. I canapos;t be weak.�I need to be strong for everyone else. I need to "hold on if I�feel like letting go because it gets better than�I know" I�paraphrased that from a Good Charlotte song.
I went to the FTA convention yesterday.�It was interesting. Since Andra wasnapos;t there I�buddied up with Allison because we all had to have at least one person to be with. Allison is pretty cool. I have known her since fifth grade. She was always one grade ahead of me, but she is a really good person. We went ot the Columbia Mall. We went to Hot Topic and Spencers and BarnesNobles. At Spencers she got me a rainbow peace armwarmer. Love it. GAY PRIDE lol. And she got a red and white skull tie. Awesome. She got me the armwarmer for my birthday gift from her. Cool. Fine with me, I�said. Thanks a bunch Then at BarnesNobles we sat down each with a book and read for an hour until it was time to go back to the bus. We had good fun. I�liked the trip.
Next Thursday I�have an FCCLA trip to go to. We leave at 8am. At least I�donapos;t have to wake up a 5:15am in the morning like I�did for the FTA trip. But then I have the UCM Band Competition Saturday and I have to be at the school by 5:30am. Blah. I have to wake up early-AGAIN. That sucks. But I�will bring my pillow and blanket like I�did for the FTA trip yesterday.
Sarah is coming to my sixteenth birthday next Saturday after the UCM Band Competition thing. Allison might too if her mother lets her. I hope Andra is home by then because maybe she could come too.�I wasnapos;t supposed to know about the sleepover party so it was supposed to be a surprise but then everything got so fucked up with Andra being gone and Mom and Denise and Dad finding out that I�cut myself and was purging. But I am doing much better now, besides longing for Andra so badly that I cry myself to sleep and get headaches all the time from thinking about the whole situation too much. I am not cutting anymore and not purging. So that is good. And my attitude is more positive when I donapos;t think of Andra.
Denise told my mom to keep on alert watch for me these next two weeks when Andra left last Friday. That sucks balls. I am not going to do anything but be sad and hurt.
I have to get back to work so I will write later. TTYL

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