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Today was not one of my best. I woke up around 5 and spent the entire mourning straightning my hair and trying to make myself appear beautiful which is a hard task to do. I came to school and the first thing i saw was luke and jamie holding hands jamie and me joked around and i went to class. As second period came around i had to sit next to hannah. Me and Hannah have been on a bite of an awkward streek. I have no clue what happend we were best friends for a year we were together none stop and i use to be able to tell her everything. Now she has this stuck up attitude she was mean to my friends and i couldnt help but say it "STOP�BEING�A�BITCH�youve been one for a long time now and iapos;m sick of it"�Now in the past we could say anything to eachother the honest to god truth always i could tell her ANYTHING now when i try to talk to her i feel like she doesnt care or isnt listening. Idk what to do. Do you ever feel like now matter what you just cant be happy?�I mean my life is pretty good from a far, I am 5apos;8" skinny blonde with good grads and lots of "friends" my parents are married and my family is in a good postion. But for some reason i feel like my life is hopeless and i cant help but wonder how much more i can take.

�

Who knows maybe this funk will be over soon...

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Skirt mended....check

Suitcases dug out of the closet...check

stretching my bodice...check

found my pouches, belt, mug, scarves, favours and bells...check

airplane ticket paid for....check

rental car reserved....check

Now for packing it all


We leave for Houston Tuesday morning, Scotty has a conference for work, then itapos;s off to the Renaissance Festival site on Friday. Yay, our first time to Texas Fest.

So excited


Oh, anyone have any suggestions for things to do in Houston while weapos;re there? Iapos;ve never been there.

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I was going home tonight...� and was behind a van.� I was getting aggrevated because he wasnapos;t moving-- and saw a lady messing around with plastic in the back of the van.� So I�started thinking maybe it was an emergency vehicle of some sort.. Or a senior emergency or something....� anyway, so a hugeass guy comes from the side of the road and hops in the van and it starts moving.�� Momentarily, Iapos;m happy and glad to not be stuck behind this damn van on a one way at 2AM.
Then, the asshole throws something out his window... Like, not just drops it, but THROWS�it.
To this, Iapos;m sorta pissed.� Then I see him do it again and am really pissed. Like I�wanted to lay on my horn and yell at him or something for littering in all these other peoples yards.�
Then, as Iapos;m going around the corner to get out from behind him, I�realize...�

ITS�THE�DAMN�PAPER�MAN.� HEapos;S�THROWING�NEWSPAPERS.

IM�A�FRICKIN�GENIUS.

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We have lots of clay in the soil where we are. (Also lots of bindweed and briars, but I think weapos;re gradually beating those back.) The patch immediately in front of the still-unfinished conservatory is now also rich in cement, brick dust, and the several bags of Cotswold chippings which we bought at great expense to make it look nice and which the garden-wrecking builders trampled underfoot.

The Countess wants to reclaim it. So, we spent the afternoon filling bags with a mixture of soil and chippings, and digging a bag and a half of horse manure into the rest of the soil. My me hurts, all over, and thereapos;s loads more to do. I have had verbal assurances from EverCRAPest that the chippings will be replaced, but Iapos;ll believe it when I see it.

Tomorrow we have four people coming to give us quotes on replacing our old asbestos guttering. Whether any of them will (a) be itemised, (b) be affordable, (c) actually appear is a moot question. The next door neighbours got it done for sixty quid. The only actual quotes weapos;ve had were both over four hundred.

At least it means weapos;ll be too busy to do any more frodding gardening that day.

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I�hate this day, along with all the other days in my life lately. What the fuck. I hate this. I just want to crawl up in a ball and die sometimes. I miss Andra so much. It is so hard to get through each day. Mr. Towne found out we are sharing a locker so I had to move my stuff out...(for now :-P). When�Andra comes back with her lock I�will put my stuff back in there if she isnapos;t mad at me for whatever she is going to be mad at me for.
I wrote a poem last night. It is four pages long. It is called "My Nightmare, My Reality". I like it. I will write it later like in seventh hour or something.
I am starting to study and look up the Wiccan Religion again.�It is an interesting religion. I might want to convert to it instead of Protestant. I�have 204 pages on Microsoft Word that I copied and pasted from a site. I didnapos;t realize it was so many pages until I started to print it all off and the pile kept getting bigger and bigger. I am lucky I didnapos;t get caought lol. I said I was printing off a psychology lesson.
Mom wonapos;t let me on the computer at home unless she is there.�That will be like never because when she is home she is always on the damn thing.
She read over some of my journal entries I posted. I hope she wasnapos;t offended by all of the older ones when�I was cutting and purging. My mind really gets fucked up when�I am in my old habits. I mean I am like a totally different person in my head. I�pretend to be the perfect little girl on the inside and I am just a mess on the inside.
The one thing that frustrates me when I am better is that I�cry. I donapos;t like to cry because it makes me feel so weak.�I hate being weak. Thatapos;s a bad sign. I canapos;t be weak.�I need to be strong for everyone else. I need to "hold on if I�feel like letting go because it gets better than�I know" I�paraphrased that from a Good Charlotte song.
I went to the FTA convention yesterday.�It was interesting. Since Andra wasnapos;t there I�buddied up with Allison because we all had to have at least one person to be with. Allison is pretty cool. I have known her since fifth grade. She was always one grade ahead of me, but she is a really good person. We went ot the Columbia Mall. We went to Hot Topic and Spencers and BarnesNobles. At Spencers she got me a rainbow peace armwarmer. Love it. GAY PRIDE lol. And she got a red and white skull tie. Awesome. She got me the armwarmer for my birthday gift from her. Cool. Fine with me, I�said. Thanks a bunch Then at BarnesNobles we sat down each with a book and read for an hour until it was time to go back to the bus. We had good fun. I�liked the trip.
Next Thursday I�have an FCCLA trip to go to. We leave at 8am. At least I�donapos;t have to wake up a 5:15am in the morning like I�did for the FTA trip. But then I have the UCM Band Competition Saturday and I have to be at the school by 5:30am. Blah. I have to wake up early-AGAIN. That sucks. But I�will bring my pillow and blanket like I�did for the FTA trip yesterday.
Sarah is coming to my sixteenth birthday next Saturday after the UCM Band Competition thing. Allison might too if her mother lets her. I hope Andra is home by then because maybe she could come too.�I wasnapos;t supposed to know about the sleepover party so it was supposed to be a surprise but then everything got so fucked up with Andra being gone and Mom and Denise and Dad finding out that I�cut myself and was purging. But I am doing much better now, besides longing for Andra so badly that I cry myself to sleep and get headaches all the time from thinking about the whole situation too much. I am not cutting anymore and not purging. So that is good. And my attitude is more positive when I donapos;t think of Andra.
Denise told my mom to keep on alert watch for me these next two weeks when Andra left last Friday. That sucks balls. I am not going to do anything but be sad and hurt.
I have to get back to work so I will write later. TTYL

�

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Of course, the worst thing about something that you thought was going to somehow be different has become just another in a long line of failed relationships. There is also the fact that someone who used to love you now thinks of you as Just Another Lame Ex-Boyfriend (at least thatapos;s something my co-dependent ass thinks about, I donapos;t know if healthy people think like that).

But then there are the little annoying things.

Like the fact that whereas you used to have a girlfriend with a pick-up truck, now you have a friend with a small truck. The small truck carries a lot less than the pick-up, and friends are infinitely less reliable than girlfriends.

There is also the fact that when you live with someone, you consolidate everything. You donapos;t need two microwaves, two toasters, two televisions, etc. So once you break up, you now have to replace all those things you got rid of when you first moved in together.

Then again, there is the fact that once you get that second toaster, it is your toaster as opposed to her toaster that you use. There is a certain happiness that comes with that transition.

Itapos;s still annoying to go around replacing all that crap.

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I have a new resident on (outside) windowsill.

This guy...

���������������������

.... Or rather, this girl�if the description I�just read is correct.

It took me a bit to find out what it was because a search for "big brown spider in Michigan" yields quite a few results. ~snerk~

Anyway, sheapos;s a Cross Spider (Araneus diadematus) and apparently sheapos;s farily common, but Iapos;ve never seen one before. She spins a very large, and very beautiful web which connects from my raised porch, down to my patio table, and up again to my window. Itapos;s quite impressive. Easily over a foot in diameter, and if you count the "support beams" itapos;s actually several feet wide.

The reason I�keep calling her a apos;sheapos;... Well, according to the description, apparently males sit in the middle of their webs waiting for any juicy bits to come their way, but the females - being the intellegent and skillful creatures that they are :) - sit at the very edge of their web (out of sight) and keep only one leg on one strand of their web, feeling the vibrations for a sign that prey has gotten tangled in her trap. I think thatapos;s pretty snazzy. Lol

Just thought Iapos;d share my new resident with you all. I donapos;t know how long sheapos;ll stick around but Iapos;ve been going out on the porch and checking her out each day along with her big olapos; web (which she rebuilds every single day).

I�told you it was completely random. :)

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